ARTE: The Late Bloomer

One of the things I learned as a child was never to put too much attention on how I look. They say that girls who are too absorbed with their appearance grow up to be maarte and vain. This warning was only proven by the pretty girls in my class who would pick on me for being a loser. A part of me wasn’t bothered, because I knew I was on the right track and I was far from becoming vain. However, I cannot ignore the voice in my head wishing I was just as attractive as my other classmates.

While people would continuously urge us that ‘looks aren’t everything’, the kids of my age didn’t think so. I thought it only happens on movies, but apparently a social hierarchy do exists in schools. The pretty or handsome ones get the most attention from anyone, not far behind them are those whose grades are staggering, leaving us average people on the lower caste.

This stigma went on until high school, where I was stuck on the same caste. And even when I have already developed my own talents, it still wasn’t enough to gain the same attention as popular girls do. I was left with low and fragile self-esteem and I constantly called attention to myself to seek validation from my classmates, only to realize it drove them father away from me. Despite this, I remained true to myself through honing my talents and sharing them.

Me in my freshman year

Still, every teenager hopes to get a riveting transformation after puberty. There was a time when photo comparisons took the internet by storm; people would post one picture from when they were younger and another on their present life to flaunt their glo ups. The clearest faces, the biggest lips, the thickest eyebrows and etcetera became the envy of all, including me. It was inevitable that I was among the crowd of teenagers desperately waiting for my own glo up.

By college, the maarte warning meant nothing to me anymore as I tried to break out of my shell. I was through with all the jokes and teases and I grew tired of being insecure. Of course, it wasn’t flawless. I went through the transition slowly and awkwardly; I wore mismatching clothes and did my hair in different styles which are both far from being a fashion statement. I experimented with make-up until I found the shades that suit me. I searched for outfit ideas based on my taste and learned to match my clothes properly.

Eventually, I became surer and more confident in myself and it honestly feels really good. Today, I treat myself with kindness and I’ve learned to accept who I am and what I wanted. I put more effort and focused on myself and I’m happy about the results.

As I went through this process, I was able to learn three important things. First is that focusing on beauty doesn’t automatically mean you will turn out to be a narcissist. When I began concentrating on how I looked, I didn’t realize that I was already building my confidence step-by-step. When we cultivate our self-esteem and let go of our insecurities, we become gentler to ourselves and we learn to appreciate the differences we have from others. It was a decision that felt like a bold leap and I’m glad I took it. For me, choosing to be beautiful and to feel beautiful is act towards loving oneself.

Second, I realized how silly it was of me to seek attention from other people just to feel valid. I poured so much energy into begging the wrong people to notice me, but when I brought all that energy into nurturing myself, I eventually got the love and respect that I deserved from the right people. And I didn’t even have to try.

Finally, everything really does begin with yourself. I didn’t waste my time waiting for my own glo up to happen; I got it because I made it myself. I was done waiting to be beautiful, so instead I chose to be exactly that. The thing is, it is not an arrogant thing to choose yourself every now and then. As long as you’re not hurting anyone or stepping on anyone else’s confidence, and your intentions are driven towards improving yourself, you are on the right track.

Other people would call me a ‘late bloomer’ but honestly I don’t mind. As Fa Zhou, Mulan’s father said, once the late blossom bloomed, it will be the most beautiful of all.

Looking back now, I realized how my own timeline put everything in its perfect place. I was first able to develop my abilities and enhance my physical features after, and now, I am making a balance of both. I don’t believe that to focus on beauty means the absence of intellect or the other way around. It always comes down to what you choose. So today and every other day, I will choose myself.