Sent and No Regrets

I’ve been raised with the thought that girls should never make the first move because it would turn a guy off and the act would make you look unattractively desperate.

Two months and a week. It took me two months and a week to convince myself to do something I would finish doing in a split second. Two months, a week, with hundreds of hesitations and questions and yet I managed to overcome and answer all of those. Day by day, something kept pulling me away from acting out the thought but eventually I found the strength that pushed me.

Before I knew it, I pressed SEND and I just confessed to my crush.

I’ve been raised with the thought that girls should never make the first move because it would turn a guy off and the act would make you look unattractively desperate. In my elementary days I gave the responsibility of letting my crush know that I like him to my blabbermouth besties. I’d show how embarrassed I am for letting them spill out such a secret but deep inside I knew I was relieved; especially with the thought that I didn’t come off so hopeless to the guy.

I justified that “rule” until I was in high school, telling everyone how weird it would seem for a girl to confess her feelings to a guy and all this time I still could not believe that I myself would have done something I never thought doing. And so the very first time I made the first move to my crush didn’t turn out so bad and jackpot! I scored a Wattpad-kind of story.

It was a hot Thursday afternoon during the 10th of November. I was inside my mum’s car, already so anxious to get this done. I had my confession message written and edited five times on the Notes of my phone. Turning the 3G data on, my breathing took a quicker pace as I copy-pasted it on the message space of our chatbox. Reading it again for the final time, adding a few more emojis to make sure I didn’t sound dry, removing some emojis just so it wouldn’t make me seem weird, and taking a deep breath I pressed that tiny send button.

What did I do next? I threw the phone in the Pacific Ocean, changed my name and moved to Mexico. Of course if you are reading this, that wasn’t what happened. But trust me I was tempted to throw my phone and deactivate my Facebook account right after that. What did happen was I turned my data off and pushed my phone to the bottom-most part of my bag while making a promise to myself not to check my Facebook until I get myself together.

I focused my attention on other things, but no matter how hard I try to do so my thoughts kept bringing me back to “what will he reply?”, “did my confession sound okay?”, “did I seem weird?”, “oh my god, my familee”.

More than the fact that this seems completely out of my habits, the bigger problem of the matter is he and I are barely even friends, not unless you call the minimal casual ‘hi’s at the corridor a legit friendship. I didn’t even have his phone number and I have hardly dropped a funny sticker or a GIF in his chatbox on Facebook before. Being a classroom heartthrob since day one in our section, he has always been the centre of everyone’s attention and while he was on his daily duty on making my classmates laugh with his ridiculous jokes and hugots, I was chilling on the corner of the room playing the invisible game. He was—in all levels---completely out of my league. So how could a girl like me with glasses, braces, and ponytails on, your iconic nerd, stand a chance with the classroom babe?

Hours passed by and when I got home I took ounces of air from my lungs and turned the Wi-Fi on. I waited for the notifications but my phone barely rang. The immediate thought I had was “oh perhaps he hasn’t seen it yet!”, so I released a tremendous sigh of relief. I opened my Messenger only to see that he has already actually seen it, and as I checked the time I realized he’s already read the message for at least thirty minutes ago.

A million things ran through my head but the very first thing that came to mind was a word that I can’t say, that starts with ‘F’. I contemplated whether I should deactivate my account already and never show my face to the classroom again. I overthought so badly it nearly hurt my head. I waited for several hours before he finally replied. After hyperventilating, I opened his message and read his reply. It wasn’t at all a surprise to me when he told me he didn’t know what to say other than he’s very flattered and surprised by my sudden declaration.

The initial questions were there like “why me of all people?” and “since when?” to which I answered gracefully without letting off the point that I have been distressing about this since September. Long story short, the day ended surprisingly well with us telling each other stories (mostly me).

Fast forward to a few months later, there wasn’t a day where we don’t exchange a conversation. More than the fact that I finally lived my daydreams of telling him my affections without feeling embarrassed, more than I finally lost the invisible game, more than the bliss of hearing him call me his sunshine, I am above and beyond happy that I was able to do something unimaginable that day 10 months ago.

It was point where I had a small moment of bravery and lifetime worth of learning a lesson. Preventing first moves to come from a girl simply because she’s a girl is absurd and a lame excuse; you shouldn’t have to stop a girl from doing what is an admirable act of bravery. If I’ve never broken my own rules and never have told him how I felt, I would never have such a beautiful blessing in my life. He was worth all those anxiety attacks.

Confessing to your crush doesn’t reassure you that he’ll return the emotion that you have, not confessing to your crush, however, also doesn’t reassure you that he will share your affections if you keep playing the invisible game; most especially if you were in the same out of my league situation as I was in.

But letting him know of the feelings that you bottle inside your heart and mind leaves a lasting effect that you cannot rub off your skin. It’s not the embarrassment but it’s the sensation of being able to conquer your own anxieties and worries. It’s breaking the stereotype set on every girl to wait for her prince charming to come at her door. It’s picking up your own sword and slaying your own dragons, earning your true love at the end. What every girl needs to understand is that, if you want something to happen take it to your own hands and handle it like a real queen.

Making the first move makes you look unattractively desperate? Hell to the no, girl! Writing that confession letter that day and not letting it fall worthless because of my hesitations was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m glad I did, and I have absolutely no regrets.